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Are you a food douche … I am!

I started watching a movie this weekend … this insipid Woody Allen movie called “Midnight in Paris” … it was so fucking stupid … I couldn’t even get through the first 20 minutes before getting annoyed … and the reviews talk about the charm and other nonsense … but the awesome part was the character Micheal Sheen played (this douche bag know it all professor) …check out the trailer from 0:23

I hate these type of people with a passion and I always swore I would never become THAT guy. Think about the following scenarios with that guy ..

  • You just had the best Gelato in Toronto and you tell him and he replies “Welllllllll … the best Gelato I had was just outside Santa Maria Maggoire , from a tiny little truck with 6231 flavours” … and you think …”Italy can go fuck itself with Gelato”
  • You just had some awesome all you can eat sushi somewhere in Canada … and you claim that it’s awesome and you tell him and he replies “It’s alright, but the itamae-san who prepared my sashimi at 6:45am in Tsukiji Market was awesome“… and you think “Your eeta-mami-san can go fuck himself and the fish he was slicing … matter of fact … he should slit your throat open and stuff sashimi down it”
  • You had some good Pad Thai … and you tell that guy … and his response was something like … “Pfft, if you think that was even Pad Thai, then you might as well have eaten shit and died … OK … hopefully you won’t die!”

Well folks, I’ve accepted that … THAT GUY is me, and I will join the legions of travellers who are recovering from utter and inane douchebaggery …

However in my defense, here was the thought process that went into the douchebaggery – I’ve invested time, money and energy into food exploration while on my travels. Through my travels, I’ve acquired an educated palate to the extent that when a Chef and Manager at Passage to Asia in Chaguanas, Trinidad tries to explain that the Tom Yum soup tastes a certain way because that’s the way they make it in Thailand – it will incur wrath and destruction and scorn … here is a snippet of the conversation

  • <Rishi> This Tom Yum soup tastes nothing like Tom Yum soup
  • <Manager> Well this is how we make it here
  • <Rishi> That’s fine, but it doesn’t taste like what it should taste like … just offering feedback here. Where is the Galangal or Lemongrass?
  • <Manager> Well this is how they make it in Thailand
  • <Rishi> Ummm … unless you’ve been to Thailand more times than me, then you can’t make that claim. In Thailand, this is how they make the soup … (recites ingredients) … If you’re going to piss on my head … at least don’t call it rain!!
  • <Manager> Well people here don’t know the difference …

This is what I mean … some people simply beg for douche baggery … absolutely beg for it. (Personal note : Any place that has a menu where they serve 4 different regions of cuisine, cannot be authentic … it can be tasty, but it cannot be authentic)

In the beginning, it was quite easy and simple, before douche progress

  • Man like to travel
  • Man has to eat while travelling
  • Man eats lots of things, simply because you cannot find a roti or callaloo in Cambodia
  • Man eats shitloads of other things, because he had to find out why people like Kangaroo in Switzerland
  • Man gets call from ocean informing him they’ve run out of tuna.
  • Man don’t care and becomes douche.

I feel like people and places are just out to fuck with me and my tastebuds … as though I am some type of idiot who likes paying and wasting money for utter dogshit food … and then having no name, no brain idiots on YELP affirm their utter ass fucking of food. If I had tons of money, to fly in my own chef or fly out to Buenos Aires for a phenomenal steak, then I would do so, but I can’t. So because I can’t fly out somewhere, does that consign me to silence about the ass raping of my favorite foods?

In my defense also, over time … I have become less of an ass about shitty food, unless you’re in Passage to Asia or almost anywhere in Trinidad, that will tell me, that the NON TRINI food they’re serving me is the same that they serve in the country of origin. Has anyone has a Shish Taouk or Gyros in Trinidad?

I have and it tastes like BBQ dogmeat laced with Angel Tears and Sadness sprinkled with FAIL salt.

So the next time, you meet a traveller who knows about food and they are an ass to you … regarding food … remember that they’re not trying deliberately to be a food douche ala “douchy epic know it all” like Martin Sheen – they’re just sad because they have eaten the Cookbook of Pepper Sauce revelations, verse 3:99.