Well quite a few people who heard my speech asked for the text
and i am now proud to say that I have been sampled in the 2
weddings I have attended since then!!
As follows here is the text.. NOW BACK TO REGULARLY PROGRAMMED
FOOTBALL AND GERMANY BLOGGING!!!

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Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.
I would like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Daren’s and Donna’s wedding day such a wonderfully memorable and special occasion for all those involved. Personally I wish you’d all stayed at home and made my job a lot easier!. This speech is going take a slightly different path, in that I would first like to read a speech sent over by one of both of our best friends from Naps: Mark Baksh, who was unable to make this joyous event due to unforeseen circumstances.

{ insert pause }

I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate one of my best friends on his wedding day:

Daren, I have known you for more than half of my life, you are on of the truest friends that anyone could have. You had to assume responsibilities early in life that none of the boys had to face and you handled them with a maturity that was not always recognized or understood by us. Your loyalty as a friend is unquestionable, I have no doubt Donna will be well taken care of and that you will always be by her side where you belong.

Donna, I knew my whole life that Daren would marry you, I just didn’t know your name or what you would look like yet. Of all the pictures I have of home, the ones with you and Daren are my most treasured, you were a friend before this union was even planned, now you are part of a family that crosses oceans and has existed for more than a decade. Welcome – we already had a place reserved for you. You have my best friend now, please take care of him as he does seem to need it from time to time.

To you both, I am so sorry that I could not physically be there. Please accept my apologies. I hope that Sanks is loud enough for both HIM AND I – he has never let me down yet. Know that Kadyn, Shelly and I wish you happiness, and I will see you soon.

Sincerely Mark
Now on to regular programming, enough of this mushy sentimental stuff…..

All scientific speeches start off with some type of definition and thorough research…

In order to compile my speech I had to do a little research into the definition of marriage:
Marriage is not just a word – it is a sentence…..a life sentence!
Marriage is a sort of friendship, recognised by the police!
By the way Daren, do you know the meaning of “The Honeymoon?”
No….well it’s the holiday a man takes before he starts work for a new boss!
It’s also been said that a man is incomplete until he is married…. then he is finished!

In fact, One may be able to extend marriage into an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
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I’m sure you all agree that Donna looks absolutely stunning (pause for applause!)–—— Daren, just looks stunned.
For those that don’t know me, my name is Rishi Sankar, I’m Daren’s best man and you see that my secret world wedding domination plan has started today– here’s a hint – check the back of today’s wedding program. For the big question today, it was I who drew the short straw……[ AHEM] .I mean, was given the great honour of being the Best Man here today.
Now as Best Man, I believe there are a number of KEY responsibilities :
To ensure that the groom arrived on time – CHECK!
To ensure that groom came sober – CHECK!
To ensure that the groom looks good – (pulls out wallet with business card – looks at it …………. )Well, sorry my business card does not say plastic surgeon!!
In Donna I think you will agree, Donna found someone not only Gorgeous,
(k) But Intelligent.
(k) Sophisticated.
(k) Trustworthy.
(k) Organised
(k) and Fundamentally A Decent person.
And in return Donna got…… – Well Donna got Daren — allyuh hear about something called Robbery with a V.
As Best Man, I am supposed to give some information about what makes a good marriage, and some tips and guidelines as to what will make a happy marriage. I am also supposed to make sure that he doesn’t run off prior to the wedding and I think in the guidelines, It says something about shooting anyone who even breathes too loudly at the part of the ceremony, where the priest ask for objectors. Well while I can’t offer advice, since I’m a bachelor, I was looking forward to anyone who was going to object, since I wanted to use my pump action shotgun located behind the altar!

According what I know, one of my roles as Best Man is to tell some stories about the Groom and generally insult and ridicule him, while he pays out for everyone’s dinner and all the Johnny and speciality bar in the back. I was also given the task of making sure Daren’s ex-girlfriends stayed clear of the wedding. This was actually made easy for me as there weren’t that many in the first place.
As for communication:

I firmly believe communication is important for a successful marriage, so here are a few female phrases for Daren to look out for and their proper meanings; “We need” means…”I want”. “Is my bum big?” means…”Tell me I’m beautiful”. “Do you love me?” means…”I’m going to ask for something expensive”.
And male phrases for Donna to look out for; “I’m hungry” means…”I’m hungry.” I’m tired” means…”I’m tired”. “Nice dress” means…”Fancy some nookie?” and “Do you want to go to the movies?” means “Fancy some nookie?”

BTW Did you know that the Surgeon General of Trinidad and Tobago decreed that marriages were the number #1 cause of divorces.
And my last duty was to make sure the wedding goes smoothly, this is why I have my notes to help me. (show book)
Since I have never been married before, being a single man living in sin, I thought I would write a couple terms, since they are mentioned in three important parts of today’s service –

Definitions:
Aisle – the longest walk you will ever take
Altar – the place where two become one
Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think Donna’s must have stolen my notes because when she was walking up the aisle I’m sure I heard her whispering, Aisle….Altar…..Hymn —- Aisle, Altar, hymn — I’ll Alter him!! [make everyone repeat after me – should get a good laugh] – I’m sure everyone see a nefarious plan coming about here.

So we could all be here for quite a while if I was to revisit all of Daren’s earlier years! Although not really much happened, but at Naps, I called in some favors for detailed comments about his academic career and what I found in his record was
“An ideal student, who excelled in most subjects”
[rubs eyes—man I must be tired cause I totally misread that]

”He was an idle student, who was expelled from most subjects”
But more importantly, all the jokes and innuendos aside:

Donna, as Mark intimated earlier, while you have your immediate family, you have now entered into an extended family of Naps boys that spans the globe, as a sister and if you and him ever need anything, you know you can depend on us.
Simple words of Advice to go by:
May we never forget
what is worth remembering
or remember
what is best forgotten.
You mean more to all of us here than We could ever say, it would be a huge understatement to say ‘ We wish you well in everything……… and I hope you both , Enjoy this day as the first day of the rest of your life together’
So, Ladies and Gentlemen, with great pleasure may I ask you all to stand [pause for everyone to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the Bride & Groom…

We wish you both great happiness and all the very best in this new chapter in your new life together and may your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.
Hear Hear!!!

Well here is an excerpt from Jenny’s site which i find absolutely hilarious.

So funny when Trini’s leave home… we have to make sure everyone know we are Trini!!

http://www.power-mad.com/blog/2005/09/wedding-megablog-megablog-is-cool-term.html

Quoting here — I think I am just going to copy and paste blogs all the way and all..hehhe… so much more interesting than writing my own shit!!

Wedding Megablog (megablog IS a cool term. It is.)

There was, of course, a small matter of a wedding.

The week leading up to the wedding passed by in a flurry of dress fittings; looking very busy so the bride doesn’t realise that you’re trying to make funny anagrams instead of reviewing the guestlist -

- travelling up to northern trinidad for invitations, fridge magnets and wedding cakes, negotiating with caterers, decorators and manicurists.

After the visit to the manicurist, time slowed down, at least for me. I for one got two and a half centimeter long nails. I thought why not. The bride and groom were obviously going to be the main attraction, but with long manicured nails I might too have a running chance. Besides, long nails might be fun for a change. How wrong was I? Just a little bit. I waited till I got home to use the bathroom, having carefully saved all my pee for the two hours it took to get the nails in place and painted. The problem being that inch long nails are button repellant. Going to the toilet gives you the same sinking feeling a small animal trapped in steel jaws has – either you chew off your nails or you wet yourself.

Oh, I quite disagree, it’s an excellent analogy.

But I found out that bathroom breaks need to be planned ahead ten minutes before you feel the urge, which is an art in itself, otherwise you’ll be standing there, nails slipping everywhere, and you getting nowhere. Not to mention removing your lenses. I was optimistic about this at first, thinking that if I used the tips of the nails very gently, I could get my lenses out and still keep my brain matter intact. In the end, bro removed them for me. You’ve probably seen a pic or two of my brother, but you haven’t seen my brother’s hands. They’re not so much piano hands as, say, Godzilla himself, and seeing a pair of his fingers make it for your eye makes you run off two three times screaming just a little bit before the lenses finally come out.

Donna and Daren hit their fair share of snags as well. Things weren’t being finished on time no matter how quickly they worked, and when everything seemed to be wrapping up, the priest mentioned that oh, by the way, they couldn’t get married in a Catholic church unless they got permission from the bishop as well – Donna being Catholic and Daren being all Hindu.

Suffice to say, it all worked out. Blood, tears sweat and the Bishop saw to it.

The day of the wedding was as hectic as any wedding day – the whole wedding party, minus the groom was running around at Donna’s soon to be ex-residence trying to find earings, make-up, speeches, photographers and another twenty four hours. Somewhere along the line I got talked into doing a little something with my eyebrows, which turned into full face make-up which turned into one extremely fat eyebrow and one a bit thinner, and that general lady of the night look that I’ve never quite gotten used to.

The bride however, was impeccable, as brides should be – keeping that look of perfection even while desperately trying to herd everything and everyone together by emitting small shreiks of horror every now and then. The ceremony was going to begin at three PM in the afternoon, and it wasn’t until ten past that we left the house – bride, bridesmaid and maid of very very much honour meaning me then.

At quarter past three we arrived. A gorgeous Gabriella and her escort walked down the aisle first, then the sweetest wee little flower girl, then I. The wee little flower girl was three years old, and not too keen on walking – period. She inched along in front of me, stopping every now and then. “Run!” I told her. No-one was going to mess with my honorable maid of honour stride. This, of course, was the wrong thing to say, she slowed down even more. Now I had to put on my thinking cap. She was small enough to kick but too big to not to have feelings and react. Decisions Decisions.

“Allright, slooow, slooow” I said. If it was reverse psychology she wanted, then by golly she would get it – except this time she listened.

When we finally got to the altar, the bride made her much awaited and much impressive entrance.

The ceremony was as such ceremonies are – beautiful.

And long. And then it was over.

I’m sorry, did you want more about the ceremony? Because I really do try to make things as well rounded as possible, and not all about Me.

Okay. Next up is the reception. Venue: On top of San Fernando Hill, at an open-aired terrace that overlooks the city. Pictures were taken, speeches were made. Rishi, the best man, had a ten minute speech that was pretty much a killer speech. This was his third best man speech for the year, and my first maid of honour speech ever. I wanted to shine as bad as a two dollar ho wants three dollars, but that wasn’t going to happen. And it didn’t happen.

Calm, cool, sophisticated me hiked my hand so far up my waist it looked like I was trying to grab a boobie for comfort, and then I let it rip. I got laughs at the mention of the word “snot”, and then I got laughs everywhere else as well. It would have been nice to get them in the right places though. And it would have been nice to make the audience roar, like Rishi

did. Here might be a good place to mention that he only has that one gonad. ONE SINGULAR LONELY LONELY GONAD with hair enough for two. I only share because I care.

I lie though. Rishi is one of the coolest people I know and he has three balls.

After this comes Daren’s touching reply, and the serving of my libations. Stewed chicken, spicy fish, noodles and vegetable rice all fit on one and the same plate and are awsome. The drinks that came with it was also awesome. I was thankful to my people, and raised my glass to them so that they would know and rejoice.

And then the first dance. The couple swaying in perfect unison, just as it should be. Donna’s white gown flowing behind her much like one or two tears flowed from the audience. It was a wonderful thing.

The cake cutting followed, a predominantly American tradition, I beleive, where the bride and groom help each other to cut the cake – one holding the knife, the other the fork, and feeding each other. I’m not sure what it represents, but I think it has something to do with sharing food and duties with the one you love for the rest of you life. It’s sweet, like cake. The rest of us got none.

Bouquet throwing! I didn’t get this either.

But it doesn’t mean that I won’t be next to marry.

Sometimes I try to think about this not so much.

The afterparty was excellent. Rishi, maestro of the moonshine, was good enough to forsake festivities and stand behind the bar the whole evening, mixing drinks and keeping people drunk enough to dance. Some danced of their own accord, some should not have done so. But everyone had a great time, and for this, Donna and Daren were happy.

I think we all were, in fact.