Rishi Sankar | Naparima College | Rishiray | McGill University | Trinidad

more swift advice -- 2

Dear Dr Gos...
I have another problem.
Whenever I listen to go the bathroom now, I see Destra Garcia, like in real life in my toilet bowl and she begging me to wine on her.
My problem is I cant seem to fit inside the toilet bowl to get to her.
So my questions is why does Destra taunt me so?
Again answers are appreciated.

Lost in Toronto!

Dear Lost in Toronto
After consulting my patient history notes I see you have been placed on a low fibre diet in the hope of becoming constipated. I suspect that after having gone for a while without any bowel motions your brain is now unable to recognise your own fecal matter. What you see in your toilet bowl may in fact be a floater which has resurfaced after a couple of weeks. As we all know, in the northern hemisphere, water flows down the toilet bowl in a clockwise motion - much like the wining witnessed at Carnival Fetes. Simply, what you are seeing is your shit floating around in a circle. Your brain however, perceives this differently.

I'll explain to you how this works. There is a vast network of neuro pathways along which your brain responds to external stimuli. Sometimes signals on these pathways collide causing an altered perception of reality. When you see your own shit, at some point the signal for bottom is travelling along these pathways. However, you also detect that clockwise motion at the same time and its signal seems to be repeatedly colliding with the signal for bottom. Naturally when the thoughts of bottom and circular motion collide the resultant signal along this pathway is of course Destra Garcia!

There is no known drug in Western Medicine which can cure this. Instead you must undergo months of intense therapy. Much like recovering stroke victims must learn to speak and use their limbs again, you must learn to recognise your own shit. To cut out the circular motion try going in various locations around your home instead of your toilet. Perhaps the never used vegetable compartment in your fridge? Maybe a potted plant? I have taken the liberty of sending you a wall chart with a number of smear samples of my own. They vary from thick brown to runny green and you may use it to compare your own stool samples. Takle note however, that as the chart dries out it may shed bits of nuts, sweetcorn and tomato skins... so keep it in a suitable place.

I wish you a swift journey along the path to recovery!
Dr. Gos

more swift advice -- 3

Dear Dr Gos
I am obviously a highly troubled patient with a litany of problems and issues.

Last night I dreamt that I was sleeping with Beyonce.
Now put aside the racial indignation of sleeping with Beyonce.....but the thing was that I know it was Beyonce's body, but she had the Head of Martha Stewart, now of course one would think I slept with Martha Stewart who had Beyonce's body... but that is neither here nor there.

Now aside from that Salma Hayek was there on the side... and she was slapping Goyal (who BTW was wearing a plush dogsuit with a darth vader head - i know was Goyal since the character kept saying .. why yuh slapping Ravi Goyal for bitch... you ent know Arun is my fadder) with lead pipe.

My question is why does she not use a gun and shoot him???????????

thanks again Dr Gos
Lost in Toronto

Dear Lost in Toronto

I am deeply concerned for your physical and mental well being. It is fairly common knowledge that one affects the other and in order to maintain optimum health we must strive for the right balance. A quick glance at your history makes it immediately and indubitably apparent that your are not a balanced individual.

Perhaps focusing all your energies on developing an imposing physique has resulted in the neglect of and inevitable decay of your mind? Perhaps you were molested as a child? I do not claim to be an expert in the field of psychiatry and I suggest you seek therapy immediately. I can however, provide some insight to and interpretaions of your dreams.

To begin, let's establish what I believe are the key elements in your dreams. The combination of Martha Stewart and Beyonce symbolizes incarceration and ethnicity. Salma Hayek and Ravi Goyal are also strong elements of ethnicity. The recurrence of the name Arun coupled with violent behaviour - bitch slapping, beatings etc, represent some form of authority. Dogsuits, Darth Vader helmets and lead pipes are obviously references to the male anatomy and contain prevalent homo-erotic overtones.

The amalgamation of all these symbols point to one thing. You harbour a deep desire to be dominated by a Mexican Dougla in a session of rough, doggy style prison sex. I strongly advise against acting out this fantasy of yours without the proper guidance and support in place.....or at least until your constipation is alleviated. You may also consult with Mr. Jason Jagroop for advice on bumming.

Deeply Concerned
Dr. Gos

Dear Lost in Toronto,

Based on Dr. Gos' diagnosis, I am obligated to advise you against the bumming.

First thing if you are to be dominated by a Mexican dougla may I suggest you use fig-skin grease with lipids if you do not know the person. If you know the person but do not care for them then use blue diquez petroleum jelly wiith aloe vera and finally if you know the said Mexican dougla and have feelings for them then use pink diquez petroleum jelly with aloe vera.

It would probably also help if you play the Kuch Kuch Hota Hai soundtrack while you are bumming, I know it works wonders with me.

WELCOME TO Dr. GOS B.S, MDI COUL, P.Eng

Dear Dr. Gos

My piggy can't stand up. Any suggestions on how that can be fixed?

Jason

Dear Jason
You have to grease it everyday with lard, start usin the right hand grip rule and proceed from the base of the shaft towards the tip applying a clockwise half twist about two thirds along the way. Do this twice daily for a fortnight and yuh soldier should be back saluting by then. Remember, most important... DONT use Cooken... that is a shortening!

Dear Dr. Gos

Dr. Gos I tried your recommendation and by God it worked. I did not use lard, I used Golden Ray instead. My girl is happy...however the last time we bum', she said that she missing the "real creole flavour". How does she know about the real creole flavour? Please advise?

Dear Jason

I am pleased to hear of your success with the 'grease and twist' method. Alas your disregard for the strict instructions to use lard, however unintentional, seems to have created an entirely new problem altogether. I'm happy to reassure you that your dilema is not without a solution, but first a few facts.

Additives in Golden Ray have been known to cause hallucination, dementia, shortness of breath, obesity and most commonly a craving for what is medically termed 'the creole flavour.' Patients who experience this symptom are normally treated on a dose of sada roti each morning followed by two doubles at noon and a cup of dhal before bedtime. The recovery time can be significantly decreased if you continue the grease and twist method before bumming but instead use prescription Ghee, available at your local Brahmins.

Follow these instructions carefully and you will be well on the way to a long, happy, creole flavour free life.

Happy Bumming!

Dr. Gos

Dear Dr. Gos and Jason
I must comment on the highly informative nature of these bulletins and I have been privy to the medicinal effects of snorting coke through my nostrils after ingestion due to the alarming degree of humor exhibited in these last two posts.

Now as to the real creole flavour, if the wife to be of the aforementioned Jason, is tasting the real creole flavor associated with Golden Ray... then you grease up with Blue Band instead, since this is the choice of the coolie power and will allow her to experience the real Buss Up Shot.

But Dr Gos, I have a tingling sensation in my bottom when I pee... can you tell me what it might be?

Lost in Toronto

Dear Lost in Toronto

Would Blueband caused the much dreaded "blue balls", and if so what counter measures can I take when using this product? With reference to the real Buss Up Shot, I am on a low carb diet, would this affect my effectiveness or can I take a supplement? I am no doctor, however I think that if you stand up when pee the tingling sensation in your bottom may stop, or at least ease up.

Jason

Dear Lost in Toronto,
I must admit your bottom tingling problem stumped me at first. However, I've done some research into the matter and consulted with various specialists in the field and we have put foward a prognosis.

Due to your abnormally large muscle mass we have made the assumption that you are on steroids. Certain steroids, supplements and performance enhancing drugs have been known to cause a breakdown of the abdominal wall leading to a build up of spongy tissue between the genital area and believe it or not, the rectum!

Let me now refresh your memory of high school physics. Newton's 3rd law of motion to be exact. To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so you guessed it, pee comes outward and penis goes inward. That tingling sensation you experience in your bottom when you pee is actually your penile shaft retracting through that spongy tissue and into your colon..... in essence you are fucking yourself up the arse backwards! You must cease and desist all steroid use imeddiately and your body will heal naturally. However, to speed up your recovery you must cut out all fibre from your diet in the hope of becoming constipated, the idea being to let nothing pass through your colon thus reinforcing your asshole and preventing penetration.

Best of Luck!

Dr. Gos

Dear Dr. Gos.

I have been at work on the wife and luckily she is now hot and toasty with a bun in the over. Have you read Dr Seuss or have any advice for a poor pleb like me

Dentist with Two Offices in Trinidad

Dear D.TOT
In the medical profession we insist that prevention is better than cure. We are thankful that these words are often not heeded thus keeping medical practioners in employment. For those of you on the road to fatherhood and those of you already suffering from it, this is my advice to you. I have subdivided this into three sections, namely General, Boys, and Girls. As we are all aware, fatherhood is an extenstive subject on which volumes upon volumes have been written. I have attempted here to sift out the irrelevant material and present the real nitty gritty of fatherhood. Before we jump in though I would like to stress the importance of having a paternity test carried out. If it turns out postive and Sankar is indeed the father of the child, remember, in most countries, it is quite legal to drown such offspring.

General
Raising children in today's world is expensive business. Consider abandonemnt or putting them up for adoption if you are not financially prepared for this burden. If this is an option you are hesistant to contemplate here are a few money saving tips. In the long term diapers cost far more than a tube of diaper rash cream, so change them as infrequently as possible. Invite all your friends over to see your new baby. They usually bring a gift which you can later sell if you find yourself short of a few dollars. As a father of a new born child you must be in readiness for many sleepless nights. I find the only solution to this is alcohol, indeed you may allow the child to ingest some as well. This can be done in two ways - firstly by mixing with baby formula and secondly by drunkening your wife enough so it comes out in her breast milk. The effects of the latter are twofold. Apart from getting the alcohol into your infant's system it provides a temporary! respite for your wife from her post-natal depression, thus leading to an increased chance of intercourse. WARNING!: Double up on rubbers as there is also an increased chance of conception, remember that old adage about prevention and cure? Finally, before moving on to the next section, I would like to address the subject of multiple births. In the unfortunate event that more than one child is born the three A's apply: Abandonment, Adoption, Alcohol. You may decide to keep one child but I suggest no more than one as this ensures at least one of your wife's breasts is free at all times. A quick word on the 4th Silent 'A' of the 3A's: Abortion. This is a very delictae subject and raises many legal, moral and ethical issues. My stance on the matter leans towards pro-choice. I have and will continue to recommend termination of pregnancy in extreme cases e.g. family history of extreme ugliness or gross stupidity. I don't believe it is applicable here and consider this topic closed.

Boys
All fathers-to-be secretly or not so secretly hope to sire a boy child. This tends to be a milder strain of fatherhood than fathering a girl. Here are a few simple rules if your child is of the masculine gender. Always ensure they are breast fed as it is vital they develop an affinity to tits from a tender age. Stay away from unisex and gay names like Francis and Daren or they will suffer a life of torture at school. During their formative years the importance of passing common entrance for Naps must be drilled into them. Remember, if they choose Pres over Naps it is not too late to drown them.

Girls
Secure all windows and doors, buy a shotgun and a pitbull and leave the rest to the mother. Living with fatherhood is a daunting prospect but by following the above advice you are sure to improve your quality of life. To those of you teetering on the slippery slope towards fatherhood remember bumming is the best form of contraception - see Jason Jagroop for further details.
God Bless
Dr. Gos