This letter came out to customers of Spirit Airlines .. and let me tell you… this made me laugh like no tomorrow. Not only does Spirit Airlines think that we are jackasses willing to be raped for the illusion of low fees, but they go out and hire some obviously second tier, shitty consulting firm to construct their message.

We have all seen how carry-on baggage has gotten out of control. Longer security lines and boarding process, injuries due to overcrowded overhead bins, delayed flights and passenger frustration has become commonplace. (Seriously, there is a Surgeon General’s warning on the dangers of carry-on baggage, like radiation, second hand smoke and ricin. I cannot tell you all the times when I was on an airplane, that random carry-on baggage just flew out of the overhead bins and attacked me mercilessly. I once had a bottle of Scotch fly right out of someone’s bag, head straight over to the cockpit and attempted to fly the plane back to Scotland … it was a single malt – it knew what it was doing.

Carry-on baggage really slows down security lines … never mind the ridiculous policies and incompetent airport staff, but let’s add carry-on baggage to the mix)

At Spirit, we are always looking for new ways to save you money and improve the customer experience. We recently announced our latest innovation, which is designed to relieve the carry-on crisis, saving you time and money. (I didn’t even know that there was a carry-on crisis. Katrina, Haiti, Rwanda … hell the absence of a Double Down from Canada is a fucking crisis … so of course with a manufactured “crisis”, the innovation is that we will now attempt to make you pay for something that is a basic right on an airplane much like Ryanair’s plan to charge you to use the bathrooom – at least with Ryanair’s toilet charge, you won’t be experience a decrease in comfort or sanitation, since a Ryanair flight is akin to a Guatemalan chicken bus, except that the the Guatemalans won’t like to your face about it)

Our solution to the carry-on crisis:

1. Lowered fares – reduced the fare by $10-$12 or some arbitrary number that will only be available on 4.53 seats on any given flight. Sucks to be you, if you don’t book within 3 mins of the flight being scheduled. Tough!
2. Lower checked bag fees – lowered the checked bag fees from $40 to $30 or some other insane number anyway
3. Give everyone a free personal item allowance – you may carry-on your own toilet paper and toothbrush, provided that you can stick them in your ass
4. Allow customers to carry on an additional bag for a fee and give them priority boarding so they have time and space to stow their extra bag – thanks for allowing me to carry-on a bag and charging me an inflated price for my laptop bag – but we’ll let you rush on to the cramped plane to sit next to someone who needs two seat extenders. I really needed all of the 4 minutes to stow away that massive document bag that I had. Thanks Spirit … you’re the best, since I obviously have to be a bit slow to have a carry on.

Everyone Wins!

1. We expect total prices to be lower – by total price, we mean the price that we charge you excluding the taxes, airlines fees, fuel surcharges, customer service charge, peanut charge, drinks fee. Those fees are out of our control, even though we do choose the airport that we fly out of, which corresponds to the fee structure – but don’t analyze anything, accept our word that we are the cheapest … promise!
2. Security lines will move faster – exactly … since Spirit is the only airline in the world and no one else will have carry-on baggage in the security lines. Spirit will also change the staff, revise the boarding procedures and negotiate with terrorists on your behalf, to ensure that only non Spirit Airlines will face terror attacks.
3. The boarding process will be smoother – see point #2
4. Deplaning will be faster – since there will be no renegade carry-on bags to stem the flow of traffic of the plane … because the 90 seconds you saved deplaning will be added to all the time you saved while waiting 15-20 minutes at the baggage carousel to start running. Oh wait … what do you mean that I have to wait for baggage to get from the plane to the carousel …
5. Passenger and employee safety is improved with less over-stuffed bins – see renegade carry-on baggage claims above.

What to expect for travel after August 1st:

1. We have introduced PENNY PLUS™ fares available to our $9 Fare Club members** that are 1¢ each way plus fuel, taxes and fees*. If you are not already a member, click here to join. (Pay $35 for the privilege of looking at a $9 fare that is only applicable if you’re going to fly on a Tuesday or Wednesday to a most undesirable location … and of course, you better not return on a Sunday night …)
2. We have lowered checked bag fees for $9 Fare Club members. A family of four checking four bags round-trip will save $80. Double the cost of being a $9 Fare Club member. Another reason to join now. Click here to join. (Oh we didn’t tell you that checking in 4 bags will cost you $160 to start, although if you didn’t pay the $35 fee, we would have charged $240, so we are indeed saving you money. That’s like a 400lb woman is light compared to an elephant – in the end, they’re both fucking heavy)
3. You can bring a FREE personal item onboard, such as a purse, briefcase, backpack or laptop computer. Other exceptions are: assistive devices, medicine, umbrella, outer garments (coats, hats, wraps), camera, car seat/stroller, infant diaper bag, reading material for the flight, or food for immediate consumption. God forbid you have food and a laptop – then we have to charge you .. obviously “carry-on baggage” will also be defined to include excess body fat? Since someone weighing 180lbs be charged to carry on a 20-lb bag, when someone weighing 300lbs is going to be charged for a 120 lbs excess luggage charge.How about this Spirit Airlines .. why not weigh me at check-in and then offer me a price to fly? Wouldn’t that be awesome, efficient and make more money for you. Obviously, then you would change your routes to only to service cities with lower Asian and Indian populations to maximise your profit.
4. If you choose to bring an extra carry-on bag, you may do so for $20 if purchased online as a $9 Fare Club member or $30 online, at the airport ticket counter or kiosk for non-members. If you choose to wait until the gate to pay, the fee will be $45 which is not preferred since it will slow the boarding process. So the idea is that if you decided that at the last minute that you needed extra food, medication or tampons, then you’re going to pay an extra $25 for that decision. That makes sense! Thanks Spirit Airlines!”Oh, you want to wear clothes at your destination? That will be another 90 dollars.”  
5. Shorter, faster security and boarding lines. Less frustration while boarding and deplaning. Fewer delays. (See above points about faster security, renegade carry-on luggage and delays)
6. Happier customers that pay less! <insert vomit>

See you onboard soon! We’ll keep working to improve your experience and lower your fare.

Ben Baldanza
President and Chief Executive Officer
Spirit Airlines

Hey Ben … ummmm … fuck you and your airline.