My best man’s speech for Daren

Well quite a few people who heard my speech asked for the text
and i am now proud to say that I have been sampled in the 2
weddings I have attended since then!! 🙂
As follows here is the text.. NOW BACK TO REGULARLY PROGRAMMED
FOOTBALL AND GERMANY BLOGGING!!!

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Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.
I would like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Daren’s and Donna’s wedding day such a wonderfully memorable and special occasion for all those involved. Personally I wish you’d all stayed at home and made my job a lot easier!. This speech is going take a slightly different path, in that I would first like to read a speech sent over by one of both of our best friends from Naps: Mark Baksh, who was unable to make this joyous event due to unforeseen circumstances.

{ insert pause }

I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate one of my best friends on his wedding day:

Daren, I have known you for more than half of my life, you are on of the truest friends that anyone could have. You had to assume responsibilities early in life that none of the boys had to face and you handled them with a maturity that was not always recognized or understood by us. Your loyalty as a friend is unquestionable, I have no doubt Donna will be well taken care of and that you will always be by her side where you belong.

Donna, I knew my whole life that Daren would marry you, I just didn’t know your name or what you would look like yet. Of all the pictures I have of home, the ones with you and Daren are my most treasured, you were a friend before this union was even planned, now you are part of a family that crosses oceans and has existed for more than a decade. Welcome – we already had a place reserved for you. You have my best friend now, please take care of him as he does seem to need it from time to time.

To you both, I am so sorry that I could not physically be there. Please accept my apologies. I hope that Sanks is loud enough for both HIM AND I – he has never let me down yet. Know that Kadyn, Shelly and I wish you happiness, and I will see you soon.

Sincerely Mark
Now on to regular programming, enough of this mushy sentimental stuff…..

All scientific speeches start off with some type of definition and thorough research…

In order to compile my speech I had to do a little research into the definition of marriage:
Marriage is not just a word – it is a sentence…..a life sentence!
Marriage is a sort of friendship, recognised by the police!
By the way Daren, do you know the meaning of “The Honeymoon?”
No….well it’s the holiday a man takes before he starts work for a new boss!
It’s also been said that a man is incomplete until he is married…. then he is finished!

In fact, One may be able to extend marriage into an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
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I’m sure you all agree that Donna looks absolutely stunning (pause for applause!)–—— Daren, just looks stunned.
For those that don’t know me, my name is Rishi Sankar, I’m Daren’s best man and you see that my secret world wedding domination plan has started today– here’s a hint – check the back of today’s wedding program. For the big question today, it was I who drew the short straw……[ AHEM] .I mean, was given the great honour of being the Best Man here today.
Now as Best Man, I believe there are a number of KEY responsibilities :
To ensure that the groom arrived on time – CHECK!
To ensure that groom came sober – CHECK!
To ensure that the groom looks good – (pulls out wallet with business card – looks at it …………. )Well, sorry my business card does not say plastic surgeon!!
In Donna I think you will agree, Donna found someone not only Gorgeous,
(k) But Intelligent.
(k) Sophisticated.
(k) Trustworthy.
(k) Organised
(k) and Fundamentally A Decent person.
And in return Donna got…… – Well Donna got Daren — allyuh hear about something called Robbery with a V.
As Best Man, I am supposed to give some information about what makes a good marriage, and some tips and guidelines as to what will make a happy marriage. I am also supposed to make sure that he doesn’t run off prior to the wedding and I think in the guidelines, It says something about shooting anyone who even breathes too loudly at the part of the ceremony, where the priest ask for objectors. Well while I can’t offer advice, since I’m a bachelor, I was looking forward to anyone who was going to object, since I wanted to use my pump action shotgun located behind the altar!

According what I know, one of my roles as Best Man is to tell some stories about the Groom and generally insult and ridicule him, while he pays out for everyone’s dinner and all the Johnny and speciality bar in the back. I was also given the task of making sure Daren’s ex-girlfriends stayed clear of the wedding. This was actually made easy for me as there weren’t that many in the first place.
As for communication:

I firmly believe communication is important for a successful marriage, so here are a few female phrases for Daren to look out for and their proper meanings; “We need” means…”I want”. “Is my bum big?” means…”Tell me I’m beautiful”. “Do you love me?” means…”I’m going to ask for something expensive”.
And male phrases for Donna to look out for; “I’m hungry” means…”I’m hungry.” I’m tired” means…”I’m tired”. “Nice dress” means…”Fancy some nookie?” and “Do you want to go to the movies?” means “Fancy some nookie?”

BTW Did you know that the Surgeon General of Trinidad and Tobago decreed that marriages were the number #1 cause of divorces.
And my last duty was to make sure the wedding goes smoothly, this is why I have my notes to help me. (show book)
Since I have never been married before, being a single man living in sin, I thought I would write a couple terms, since they are mentioned in three important parts of today’s service –

Definitions:
Aisle – the longest walk you will ever take
Altar – the place where two become one
Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think Donna’s must have stolen my notes because when she was walking up the aisle I’m sure I heard her whispering, Aisle….Altar…..Hymn —- Aisle, Altar, hymn — I’ll Alter him!! [make everyone repeat after me – should get a good laugh] – I’m sure everyone see a nefarious plan coming about here.

So we could all be here for quite a while if I was to revisit all of Daren’s earlier years! Although not really much happened, but at Naps, I called in some favors for detailed comments about his academic career and what I found in his record was
“An ideal student, who excelled in most subjects”
[rubs eyes—man I must be tired cause I totally misread that]

”He was an idle student, who was expelled from most subjects”
But more importantly, all the jokes and innuendos aside:

Donna, as Mark intimated earlier, while you have your immediate family, you have now entered into an extended family of Naps boys that spans the globe, as a sister and if you and him ever need anything, you know you can depend on us.
Simple words of Advice to go by:
May we never forget
what is worth remembering
or remember
what is best forgotten.
You mean more to all of us here than We could ever say, it would be a huge understatement to say ‘ We wish you well in everything……… and I hope you both , Enjoy this day as the first day of the rest of your life together’
So, Ladies and Gentlemen, with great pleasure may I ask you all to stand [pause for everyone to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the Bride & Groom…

We wish you both great happiness and all the very best in this new chapter in your new life together and may your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.
Hear Hear!!!