It’s a rainy day here in Toronto. It’s a bit bleak and I’ve been sitting at my computer working away for a couple hours. I haven’t really written anything related to travel for almost 2 months. Of course, that corresponds to the last time I was away on vacation or on a real trip. It’s ironic that going to Montreal or going away for work doesn’t constitute “travel” even though I’m going to be “exploring” Edmonton for the next couple weeks/months – it’s really not the same adrenaline rush as taking off to Antarctica or some super exotic location.
So instead I’m going to start writing about the places that I don’t ever want to go. I think I’m also tired of all those god damn bucket list posts that list headlines like these
– “15.12 places you should visit before you die”
– “50 places to visit before you die”
– “47129 things to try before you die”
I think I officially hate bucket lists and adding the suffix … “…before you die”. I mean what the fuck is that supposed to mean? I want to take a piss before I die … well mission accomplished! You want to punch someone in the nose,before you die … yet another mission accomplished. These bucket list items are dreary, dull and most importantly … they create a state of perpetual life procrastination, like a teacher wanting to do their report cards on time. Never happened; willingly. Personally, I think these bucket lists have completely “jumped the shark”
About 2 years ago, I wrote an anti bucket list post, listing the places I wanted to visit, that normal people wouldn’t really want to visit. Well here are a couple places that I have no desire to ever travel to.
1. Ilha de Queimada Grande, aka “Snake Island,” aka the worst tourist destination in the world.
I don’t like snakes, in fact I like them as much as I like spiders … which is not at all. Imagine hearing about an island where the following are facts
– No species of mammals exist on the island.
– The only place in the world where Golden Lancehead snakes can be found.
– Only migratory birds go there and they just serve as snake fodder.
– Golden Lanceheads contain fast acting venom that MELTS the flesh around the bite site with unrivaled speed and efficiency.
– The Brazilian Navy has forbidden anyone from landing on the island … true story
– The golden lancehead is responsible for 90% of all snakebite-related deaths in Brazil.
– Conservative estimates range from the spine tingling one snake per square meter to the “drop dead from pants shitting fear” five snakes per square meter … NUFF SAID!!!
Ok fine … I only have one! It’s a start!
Here are 10 things I will not do again …
1. Go to any place where I’m supposed to take Ecstasy, wear a glow necklace and bounce frantically to seizure-inducing rave “music.” I enjoyed my “youth” … I did stupid shit, I offended enough people (actually I still offend people)
2. Wait in line to return anything that costs less than $10. Seriously!!!
3. Cleaning the house : I have money, we can pay for a weekly cleaner to come in the house and do all the shit I don’t want to do. Fuck cleaning, when my time can be spent scratching my ass and trying to write cool shit. Life’s too short to do things I hate on a regular basis.
4. Reality TV : Watching anything with 12+ kids, Octomom, 15000 pregnancies or Honey Boo Boo. My intestines can’t take it …
5. Use condoms. I’m engaged to be married … I’ve been done with them for a while.
6. Do a shot because someone else demands it.
7. Go to any concert without VIP status. If I want to hear music or enjoy a concert, I want all the trapping of a fantastic time along with meeting the artist. The idea of going to some outdoor venue to shit in a hole or a port-a-potty, is vile beyond belief. It is with this mentality that I say now … I will never go to Burning Man. It’s fucking stupid!
8. Obsess about going to the gym. I’m just going to do it, and never say a thing to anyone.