Where to go on a whim? The battle of Central America Vs South East Asia

Disclaimer : I was browsing other travel blogs and one in particular … my friend Alan and his adventures and I found an article idea that I’m straight up going to copy into my blog – but that being said … his blog is way funnier than my blog, so I highly recommend checking it out.

I’m a man of simple whims … simply good scotch and good food … everything else is a bonus! That being said, because of the one or two places I’ve been … I’m always asked about where someone should go on vacation. Here is a thoroughly incomplete analysis ….

1. Food

• Central America – If you’re wandering through Central America, you’re going to encounter almost every sort of fried fuckery … you want fried dough, they have that in Churros.  You want fried pig skin, you can eat Chicharrón. You want fried ants, why not try the Escamoles. You can also get anything with 6lbs of carbs to go with your 5lbs of fried fuckery – burritos, enchiladas, etc. Cheap and plentiful … did I mention that you can get fresh juice anywhere for a $1. Markets and street kiosks are hugely popular and a great place to pick up cheap meals for only a few dollars. A casual meal in a restaurant will cost from $6-15 USD. If you want to shop, the food markets will be your best deal. You can usually buy a week’s worth of food for around $30 USD.Why do you think every latina’s ass in a 3rd world country is the size of that 3rd country? Ponder that question for now …

• South East Asia – Pho, Tom Yum, Congees, Banh Mi with tons of lemongrass and coriander, 5 gazillion types of dumplings with 5000 types of assorted random animals and insects. Did I mention that you can also get fresh juice anywhere for less than $1. Food is very cheap in  SEAsia. If you eat the local food, you can live on only a few dollars a day. Southeast Asia is filled with delicious street stalls where meals cost less than a dollar.

• Result – SE Asia WINS because of super cheap, super fast food!

2. Culture

• Central America– Telenovelas breed drama … like crazy drama! I don’t think that the people could live without some type of domestic violence, alcoholism, cock or bullfighting, supremely awful music everywhere you go. With the drama comes the passion and they are quite over excited and overexcitable, but they are also very straight up. No grin fucking here … the people aren’t smiling to your face while robbing you here, they pull out a gun instead and shoot you in the face.
• South East Asia– Who doesn’t love buddhist ladyboys who offer massages. SE Asia is safe for the most part and you don’t have to feel like a prisoner in your hotel or your hostel, no matter how much you might like the peace and quiet. If I want to feel like a prisoner in my home, I’ll go back to Trinidad and open anything of reasonable success. After a couple times in Asia, I’ve yet to experience any dangers that couldn’t be solved by flexing, bleching or flipping a tuk tuk at someone. A chatty ladyboy is different type of danger you might have to navigate and if you piss them off, they might cut your balls off, but only if you really offend them. I’m all for cheap food, cheap massages and safety without my own personal army.
• Result – SE Asia WIN … just for the safety for a new traveller.

3. Things to do

• Central America –  Temples, beaches, volcanoes, snorkelling. Tons of things to do here. And face it, although there is a high murder rate, you won’t find some fucked up hick from Nebraska telling you how cool they are, because they’re an American who escaped the hellish life in the midwest. (As if .. eh?)
• South East Asia – I generally love Australians … anywhere but in South East Asian. They’re the Americans of Asia … seriously. They have beaches and massages on the beach and food on the beach … did I mention that virtual slave labour from the poor fuckers fucking themselves has led to Indian like conditions without the attitude. I’m getting old … anything that is a poor backpacker thing is not for me … not that I wouldn’t do it … I just wouldn’t be making friends as readily as I did in the past. I don’t need to find myself while snorting coke and pretending to find the meaning of life at the end of a rum bottle … I’ve found it at the bottom of a scotch bottle.
• Result – Central America WIN … because the new travellers were murdered, it’s led to less backpackers

4. Women

• Central America –
  
• South East Asia
• Result – Tie … need I say more? I couldn’t possibly decide.
  

Overall … South East Asia is the gentler, safer journey. There are great little spots in SE Asia – you can find them yourself. Head for the danger zones. The “Lonely Planet” junkies won’t go near there.

So if you want to live long and prosper, SE Asia won’t get you killed. Its the U2 of subcontinents – Safe, tastes pretty good but everyone’s into it. If its more AC/DC you’re looking for… well you know the rest